Helo October :)

Bismillah :)
Thank you September!
Its been almost one month of starting at new place. Alhamdulillah everyday is a better day.
I'm busy with works, i have no enough hand to tweet atau scrolling social network. Start to understand the pattern. Its different a bit from consultant but the basic is there still same. The job scope is narrowed down i must say. Usually at 5.30pm or 6pm dah boleh chow dah pulang.

September had been a great month. Its full of everything. some happiness, some emptiness, some sadness, some determination and a lot of motivation! Starting off new memang la meroyan sikit tapi lama2 tuhan pulihkan sekeping hati ni. Imma stubborn kids, i always fight and chase for what i want, tapi ada satu benda yang i wont fight when it comes to feeling, emotions, crush or liking. I know my feelings pretty well and i know how hard it is, tak mudah untuk fall. Kalau fall pun i'll pertahankan my ego and admit i'm not falling. I force myself physically to stand strong no matter what. Tapi akhirnya I understand there's nothing stronger than the power of Allah The Almighty when He change my heart totally.I get attached without realizing it at the first place. Its difficult untuk diceritakan, tapi what i can tell is that I've found a person I never expect. Previously i had close my heart completely to anyone. Tapi . . . . . kuasa tuhan lebih besar than the power of my heart haha. Too much coincidence and similarities and cross path yang impossible tapi possible pada Allah. Told earlier ni bukan crush tapi lama2 there's an acceptance and redha when cooperate with the person. Lagi deep i know and figure things out lagi scary i feel. Cuz i start like and menyenangi. Weird fee redha untuk stranger. Usually,I wont write personal things macam ni dalam blog ni tapi its for my own lesson, so that i remember and hopefully not repeating my weakness. My first week i cry. I dont know why. crying alone. 2nd week pun ada gak but i cant figure the exact reason. Tapi some saying said, Allah tengah cuci hati kita dan dia keluarkan melalui air mata. I cried because i've been weak. Memang the lowest point sangat. Bukan sebab kerja, tapi personal reason yang tuhan lebih tahu dalam hati ni.

Your heart can change in a few second.
You can like someone in a few hours,
or you can hate them in a few days.
Or someone start off hating you, then suddenly they change and please with u for who are.
Macam my garang supervisor, she smile at me always now. Her heart change. :) hihi


How? itu semua Tuhan yang fated kan. I'm thankful for whatever feeling Allah lend me, I love the calmness and the peace I have now cuz i dont fight for what I want, I let go of it because I want to myself to love Allah and trust Allah more than anything I have in this world. Starting memang susah, memang sakit macam nak campak hati tu, its affect emotion, performance and focus. Tapi Allah is the Creator, how sad, how empty and how down your are cry to Him. He is indeed listening, He will help u, He will strengthen more than u expect, He will make u hapy more than the happiness u ever feel. Sometimes i dont want anything, but I want to thank Allah for all the greatest thing He had give and test. Subhanallah.

 I've experimenting something small, i saw a fried chicken on the table, ada satu je.I wanted it so bad. I can choose to eat it first sebab takut gone punya pasal. Tapi i want to see how much i put my trust on Allah whether that fried chicken is meant to be mine or it will gone. So i choose to go for prayer. Bukan tuhan tak tau dalam hati kita nak apa. After solat i found the fried chicken still there :D so hapy its meant to be mine. My brother tergerak hati untuk tak ambik that chicken cuz he thought i would want it.Padahal dia mana tau what's in my heart. So sama la position dia dengan apa yang kita terlalu suka sampai kita tamak and takut losing it. There must be a reason why something is not urs. What i learn is that, never ever doubt your trust to Allah, redha kan lah. Cuz at the first place everything that we have or we will have is from Him. We dont own anything. But when he lend us and give it to us, we make it ours until forget the Real owner. Let go of it and let Allah help us decide. Whether its good for us or not. If its good hak kita tetap akan jadi hak kita. Tak ada siapa pun boleh ambik or halang. Even thousand years u've been splitted for what u love, if Allah said one day we will have it, we will have it. Mintaklah.

Masa sekolah2 dulu, ada gak bersungguh mintak something. Now only i understand why Allah didnt give me, cuz now i dont want what i ask for tu dah. hehe. I can see the rational why Allah tak bagi. Its painful when u dont get what . Sebenarnya what u want is not really what u need in life.  

Now i want to work my best, seikhlas mungkin, sebaik mungkin and love Allah more and more insya Allah. Chase my dream sebaik mungkin. Cari B lagi kat Germany! hehe. :D
I've learnt my lesson in 23 years old . But Allah is there to support me. and i'm wayyyy better and certain :)