.

Because it never begin, I bet i dont have to care much about it aite ?  :)

"Tak ada satu pun milik kita sebenarnya. Bila-bila masa saja Dia boleh ambil semula.

Yang tersimpul mati pun boleh terlerai,

Yang dalam genggaman pun boleh terlepas,

Semua atas kehendak Dia" - Source.

Deep indeed.
 everyone deserve to turn over a new leaf, startin' fresh
get back on track , chasing back my dreams.
May Allah bless me and protect from those yang tak sepatutnya.

"-Sometimes you search so hard for words. You look for a way to interpret the language of this heart and the unspoken bond you feel. But in the end you are left with nothing but silence. And deep down you hope it’s understood.

-Real love brings about calm—not inner torment. True love allows you to be at peace with yourself and with God. That is why Allah says: “that you may dwell in tranquility.” Hawa is the opposite. Hawa will make you miserable. And just like a drug, you will crave it always, but never be satisfied. You will chase it to your own detriment, but never reach it.

-There’s something amazing about this life. The very same worldly attribute that causes us pain is also what gives us relief: Nothing here lasts. What does that mean? It means that the breathtakingly beautiful rose in my vase will wither tomorrow. It means that my youth will neglect me. But it also means that the sadness I feel today will change tomorrow. My pain will die. My laughter won’t last forever but neither will my tears. We say this life isn’t perfect. And it isn’t. It isn’t perfectly good. But, it also isn’t perfectly bad, either.

-So often we experience things in life, and yet never see the connections between them. When we are given hardship, or feel pain, we often fail to consider that the experience may be the direct cause or result of another action or experience. Sometimes we fail to recognize the direct connection between the pain in our lives and our relationship with Allah SWT "  by Yasmin Mogahed.

Indeed she said it well. As human, we dont plan anything, it never in our list on things that cross path our life, we dont ask for it apetah lagi plan for certain things. Sometimes to solve things or finding out some inner peace, we tend to run from reality,
finding a way to forget and wanted to get back to some nice past time.
 Kadang nak balik HK, kadang nak balik Krabi or Germany.   Places which full of people who not speak my mother tongue language. Its fun, nobody judge,  can simply walk alone safely, problems seems fade away temporarily. Growing process happened and come back stronger cuz managed to survive :)
Its hapy thing. Really. 

I dont know what is happening to my heart currently, Allah is testing me with mix feeling and He want me to speak to Him, nak tulis banyak but not afford to cuz i dont want to kenang it in the future.
 What i can do is relying fully on Him, asking Allah to fill in those emptiness in my heart, strengthen me back. 
I'm not weak. Heart thingy is not my thing since I came back from HK. 

Dear fee,
 u are stronger than u ever think u are, Allah is with you, He can take back the little temporary hapy moment He gaves you and will grant you better insya Allah.
If u're not being tested, life will be dull and u dont grow and learn. 
I wannaa cry, can? 
Dah lama tak tengok sad movie and let go those things that i kept in heart.
Always choose to laugh to keep living. 
Inside a lil' happiness there's some fear to start over somewhere new, 
nervous ? Yes

There's some unresolved thing that I cant explain happened previously.
Dalam hidup ni, i never met a person who is exactly like me.
Some unexplained similar gestures which makes me feel like whattaheck is really happening?
Some unexplained coincidences that bother me much.
I never takes coincidences seriously bcz its normal,
but if it always happen how could i swallow that matters.
A telepathy / chemistry yang impossible
The more I know and observe, the more I scared of knowing
Bukan kembar , bukan siblings, bukan best fren, bukan a fren that i've known for 10 years
and NOT even a crush of mine.
and there's a similar feeling i had in my night dream.
Hmmmm letih dah. I'm not interested to play with the fire. 
i wont simply take this little thing big. i still firmly hold my principle, stubborn, hardcore me.
this is not my thing man!
I'm almost 23 years kot, zaman deep2 crush, puppy crush semua dah berlalu
and even i'm now happily being fren with my highschool crush and if i were given chance to turn back time pun i dont want heheh. We're good as fren tho.
 
Making me realize that Allah create every of His creature with different attraction and kuasa Allah sangat besar He can makes what the impossible .... possible. My heart was lil bit hard and closed before tapi . . . . .

Hmmm After this night, I'll throw away every sadness or false attachment away! 
I'm gonna take one step forward to chase my dream, nak cari B kat Germany :) 
Germany had kept me to be serious in chasing dream previously. 
Thanks to those peeps who had cross my path and allow me to grow and learnt as much as i could,
if we meant to cross path lagi we will meet again if Allah decide that. 
Tapi tak kot. Tak payah lah eh. 

fee.